Roast Rat Vol 1
by Hill-Bill
Summary: A parody of Kill Bill where Harry decides to quit Hogwarts and just get to the point and kill Voldemort along with a few others including the rat...
1. Prologue

Here's my lastest fic, Roast Rat which is just a parody of Kill Bill only with Harry Potter people and situations. I wrote this prologue like a year ago and I think it's quite a good telling of the Lilly and James death scene and since J.K. never really told it, I've always wanted to write it myself (yeah I noe kinda weird…), so here it is, I'm done blabbing

Disclaimer- I don't own Harry Potter or Kill Bill some other people do…

**Roast Rat**

Vol. 1 Prologue

_15 years ago_

The woman was dead. The shot to her stomach would've killed her on the spot. The man was pinned to the wall. A hooded man stood in front of him

"Fuck you rat!" the man said breathing heavy and fast.

"James, we don't have to kill you. You're a pure blood. You can still live, just admit your sins and give service to the Dark Lord."

"What sins? You've killed Lilly, you bloody rat! That's the only fuckin' sin I see here!"

"That wasn't me, it was the Dark Lord himself and it is no sin to kill a mud-blood. Fucking one is and having a child with one, that's worse."

"Got to hell Peter!" the pinned man screamed.

"I don't think you understand how generous the Dark Lord is being to you."

Another man approached the one pinned to the wall.

"James, the Dark Lord now stands in front of you. Now admit what you've done and pledge service to him."

The man pinned to the wall spit into the rat's face. "Fuck you and your lord!" he yelled and the Dark Lord cast the killing curse. The pinned man's head fell and he stirred no more.

"Damnit James! You could've lived!"

"Quiet, there are still two lives to be taken. It seems the woman wasn't as dead as was thought."

The spot where she fell had a puddle of fresh blood and there was a trail of blood on the floor leading into another room. The two followed the blood and it lead into a nursery. The woman was crouched against the crib, she was too weak to stand.

"Please don't kill our son, don't kill Harry! Take me instead!"

"What use is your life to the Dark Lord? You are a filthy mud-blood, your life means nothing" the hooded man responded.

The woman began to stand using the crib for support. "I beg you, don't kill my son. Kill me instead."

"I do not bargain with filthy shit. It is even a sin that you should see me. Therefore I shall take your eyes and then kill you both" the Dark Lord said finalizing his actions.

"No! Please! I beg you!" The woman cried. She felt a pressure build behind her eyes and then immense pain as her eyes rushed out of their sockets to fall on the floor. She fell backwards onto the crib. The baby started crying. "Harry…" she whispered softly, "I love you…" Hands grabbed her and threw her to the floor. The Dark Lord uttered another killing curse and she died instantly.

"Now to kill the child, the prophesized one…" the Dark Lord said and then cast the killing curse a final time as that right after it was spoken it backfired. Now the Dark lord was dead on the floor. Shocked beyond belief, the rat grabbed his lord's body and evaporated from the scene. Outside the house one could faintly hear a baby crying.

So how u like it? Review!


	2. Chapter 1: Potions Class

Okay so this starts beginning of Harry's seventh year at Hogwarts (or so it seems…)

Disclaimer- I don't own Kill Bill or Harry Potter

Roast Rat Vol. 1 Chapter 1

Potions Class

It was only 15 minutes into potions class, the first one of his seventh year, when Harry snapped. Just when it seemed all the convincing the Hogwarts staff did was finally paying off, Harry slammed his book shut and stood up to walk out the door.

"Don't you dare, Potter. If you leave this class now, you'll never fulfill the requirements to become an auror."

Harry gave the new potions master a devilish smile. "Just try and stop me. Screw you and you're potions" he said and then walked out the door. Ron and Hermione looked at each other for a second and then ran off after him.

"Get back here!" the teacher yelled all the while knowing it was futile.

When they finally reached the Griffindoor common room Harry was already in his room packing. They reached him while he decided on a whim whether to keep an item or not.

"Harry, what's gotten into you?" Hermione asked.

"Damnit, don't you understand? This school is holding me back. How am I suppose to get any progress in defeating Voldemort or anything if I'm stuck with these do nothing professors for anymore years?" Harry said stopping his packing to explain to his friends.

"You only have one more year, that's not long. Go after him then, when you're an auror." Hermione suggested.

Harry laughed. "What are the chances of that happening? All these people want to want to protect me, try and save me from what will eventually happen anyways—my meeting with Voldemort."

"What are you talking about? They are just trying to help you learn and get ready for it." Hermione responded.

"Are you fucking joking?" Harry asked looking at her. "Come on, to all those adults I'm just some little kid that needs protection. They're only delaying what's bound to happen and putting themselves in danger. Voldemort's not gonna stop looking for me just because I'm protected by some adult. That's why I have to go. It'll keep Hogwarts safe and I can finally face that damn bastard."

"Ron, tell Harry to stop." Hermione said tugging his robes.

Ron gave a sigh. "Sorry Hermione, I'm kinda on Harry's side here. The sooner we face Voldemort the better."

"We?" Harry asked surprised.

"What the hell? You didn't expect me to come along? We're friends to the end, I just didn't expect that to come so soon." Ron answered on a grave note.

"Please, boys, listen to yourselves!" Hermione pleaded "You can't just leave school behind, you don't have a plan and how do you expect to learn all the defensive and attack spells?"

Harry, who'd started packing again when she started talking stopped a second. "Well I'm not sure about the spell thing. I was thinking of training for a few months before actually taking on Voldemort. But as for the plan…" Harry rummaged through the items thrown on his bed and then found a paper which he handed to Hermione.

It was a list of names.

Bellatrix Black

Lucius Malfoy

Snape

Voldemort

RAT

"That's who we're going after starting with Sirius's murderer and ending with that cock-sucker."

"So that's your plan" Hermione said after putting the kill list back down on the bed. Go train in the mountains and then go after the deadliest dark wizards. Why now?"

Harry had finished packing all his belongings into a suitcase. "Because it tears me up inside to wait here while people are out there dying when I can stop it… but mostly because of the rat, the fucking rat that killed my parents and deserves their same fate."

"Well then," Hermione responded, "I guess you'll need me as a teacher."

Harry was puzzled yet again.

"What? You didn't expect me to come too? Harry, if you plan to even get near these wizards, you're gonna need me to teach you." Hermione said nonchalantly.

"Why do you want to join me? This isn't your fight" Harry challenged.

"Harry, we've been part of this since our first year" Ron responded. "At least let us help you in these final battles. It's like I said, I'm with you till the end."

"Yes, whatever it be," Hermione added.

Harry sighed. He couldn't stop them and they were right.

"Alright then, let's get out of this shit-hole."

Okay end of first chapter which ends basically like the Half Blood Prince, so I'm trying to stick to the books but at the same time to Kill Bill, only this will be Kill Bill with multiple people so I'm not really sure how that will work out but I'll find a way. Review time! Oh and thanx MadleyTassida and BlazeSplinder Froste for your review (if it ever shows up) till next chapter!


	3. Chapter 2: Preparation

Okay the next chapter which is very well summed up in its title. The battles won't start to next chapter, so all you blood-thirsty readers will have to wait a little while.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kill Bill or Harry Potter.

RR vol 1

Chapter 2

Preparation

Hermione chose the spot, a meadow full of things to practice their spells on, and used a cave for their new headquarters. They weren't going to stay in the actual cave of course and they all helped in making their HQ look more like a house. They would use spells to gain their food so there was no need to leave the place. It was so peaceful and since there was not another soul for miles the Ministry of Magic would surely leave them alone.

Within the first two weeks Hermione helped both Ron and Harry get the hand of Apparition which would be crucial to their success.

"For the first maybe two wizards on your list Harry, we could probably just sneak in and get an idea of the place and then Apparate when their guard is down. But once they figure this out, we'll have to come up with something else" Hermione told them once they had it down.

"Okay, but we need more attack curses or something" Ron said. "I mean stunning people and giving them full body locks are okay, but we're going against people who want to kill us."

"Yeah, you have any defense against that?" Harry asked "I really don't wanna get my ass kicked by Avada Kedavra again."

"I'm not sure, we could write our own but we wouldn't be able to know if it worked till the spell was cast against us." Hermione answered. "Until then, let's work on our accuracy with the attack spells we do have. When we hit the fuckers, we have to hit them strong."

The boys were shocked to here Hermione swear, but didn't say anything. This was war they were preparing for and there was no more use for mentally censoring their language.

Two months later they were all really mastering their spells and getting their targets. But Harry was uneasy about something.

"We need something, an edge the enemy won't have" he said one day over lunch in the cave.

"Like what? This was all I could find in our books. Sure we could make our own spells but I've never done it before." Hermione said. "I think this all we can do with magic."

Harry thought about it. Was magic really the only way to go?

"I think I have it!" Harry exclaimed after a moment. "We'll use guns. Something those cock-suckers have never seen before. That'll get them on their toes."

"Yeah, I heard my dad talking about those!" Ron added. "He has a bunch in his office, most wizards have never seen one before."

Harry was dumbfounded. "You mean to tell me your dad has guns? Fuck yeah! Were the hell is he? We need to start practicing with those so hopefully he's got some bullets too."

Ron led the way to his dad's office in the ministry. Mr.Weasley was reluctant to give them away but once he understood their cause and how nothing would stop them, he gave in. "Just give them back when you're done" he said jokingly and showing his belief they would be fine in the end. Unfortunately there were not many bullets but with a few duplication spells there were soon plenty to go around.

They were soon practicing with the guns but to be on the safe side used silencers and charms to make them quiet. After experimenting with them for a while they discovered a simple shield spell could block the bullets.

"They're not dumb-asses, they're gonna figure that one out fast" Harry said.

"Why don't we charm them so they go through the shield" Hermione said "but then again, what's to stop them from going through walls and hitting all other people in their path? Damn, that won't work."

"Well at least we have them and they'll work for at least part of the assaults, but we definitely need some other weapons. Do you know of any specially charmed swords or knives, things like that?" Harry asked.

"Grffindoor's sword comes to mind," Hermione said, "but I don't think the sorting hat would let you use it out of revenge."

"We could always take a trip to Diagon Alley" Ron suggested.

Diagon Alley was sufficient for most of the weapons Ron and Hermione thought useful but it was obvious after a few hours of shopping that Harry was looking for something special. It was in Knockturn Alley that he found what he was looking for. Although most of the items there were cursed, once he threw enough galleons around he found some powerful magic items.

"These, my lad, are my best shit," the shopkeeper said, whose name was easily forgotten. He laid before Harry three daggers and four swords. The shopkeeper swore they weren't cursed, but who could you trust in Knockturn Alley?

Harry glanced at the weapons. "There's nothing here I want." Harry walked up to the shopkeeper. "I think you're hiding something."

The man wasn't short but compared to Harry, who must've grown a foot over summer, he was tiny.

"Lad, you must have me confused with someone else. Just 'cause I work in Kockturn Alley doesn't mean I'm a crook."

Harry looked at the man. "Yes, maybe I'm mad," Harry said, "you cannot possibly have Japanese steal." The man's eyes turned to an expression of shock. "You couldn't possibly have a Hattori Hanzo sword, this is just a bunch of worthless crap."

The shopkeeper threw his hand down for Harry had decisively made this a matter of pride. He knew from the get-go that this man had it, he'd gotten this information out of a drunk at the Three Broomsticks the other day. Now he was surely moments from attaining the sword.

"I have the sword, but it's not for sale. It was my brother's, he got it from Hanzo himself, worth a fortune."

"Well lucky for you I have a fortune to blow. How much you want?"

Harry got the sword and a few other weapons in Diagon Alley for Hermione and Ron, but it put a major drain in his bank account. It was worth it though, especially for the sword, it was the only weapon on earth that magic couldn't touch. It's beauty and grace matched eerily but somehow perfectly to the death and revenge it would perform. The remaining money of Harry's bank account was spent on numerous potions to heal and cure any injury, plague, or poison except werewolf-ism and, of course, death itself.

A few months later and they were ready. Hermione mastered the spells but was also pretty handy with a submachine gun. Ron was also well rounded, his best work probably with the sniper rifle and daggers. Harry had most of the spells and could manage a gun but spent most of his time with the sword. He felt more complete with it, knowing somehow that the more time he spent practicing, the more it would help him in future battles.

At this point, Harry knew they were ready for the first hit Bellatrix and finding her wasn't that much of a challenge. Again you throw enough galleons around and you can find out almost anything…

Ok end of chapter, but I'd like to thank Shennen for the review and respond that this fic will not become a copy of Kill Bill dialogue. Hopefully I'll get more reviews soon. C ya next chapter.


	4. Chapter 3: Bellatrix

Okay next chapter!

Disclaimer: I don't own them.

Roast Rat Vol 1

Chapter 3

Bellatrix

Anxiety increased by the second as Harry, Ron and Hermione waited for the opportunity to attack. Harry was especially anxious though because he wanted his revenge. He put Bellatrix at the top for a reason; Sirius's death still rang bitter thoughts in his mind. By getting this over with earlier Harry hoped that maybe he could finally reach peace of mind with the death of his godfather's death.

There were no guards outside Bellatrix's hideout but that didn't make the place any less dangerous. None of them had seen any of these wizards except when they came to attack them. Roles were reversed in this situation: Harry, Ron and Hermione were the attackers and the evil wizards were on the defense.

Ron was looking through a pair of binoculars at the scene. "Okay so she's in that small house over there. Three people have entered since we got here and so far two have left. She seems to have a house keeper but so far I haven't seen anything else."

"Did you recognize anyone?" Hermione asked.

"No, their hoods block me from gettin' a good look."

"Okay so you understand the plan? I'll sneak in the back, give me five minutes and then you two assault the front door."

"I'm not too sure about that. What if there are traps? Harry we're better off going for the front door together, besides there is only one invisibility clo-"

"Shhh!" Ron interrupted and then whispered, "Someone's leaving the house, I think that third guy. Now's our chance."

Harry grabbed the invisibility cloak and gave Hermione a look before throwing it over himself. There was a popping sound as the wizard Apparated and Harry ran towards the house.

He reached the fence around the backyard and was about to hop over it when he took a closer look at the vines around it. Sharp spikes covered every inch of it's surface and he took a step back. A breeze kicked in just then and he could smell rotting flesh. As he turned he saw a dead rabbit, which made him believe that the spike were poisonous too. No spike could kill an animal that fast on its own. Harry walked to the front of the house now and grabbed the hilt of his sword. Damnit, he thought, why is Hermione always right? Isn't there a limit to that sorta thing?

Ron and Hermione ran to Harry's position a short time later.

"Ready Ron?" Hermione asked arming her wand.

Ron took out his pistol and cocked it. "Ready" he said taking aim at the doorway. Harry wasn't sure whether he should announce his presence or not but before he could really do anything Hermione blasted open the door. Ron started shooting at the dust caused by the explosion. Then they both ran in and Harry followed close behind.

Upon entering the door they could see a dead wizard on the floor, probably on his way out. No sign of the housekeeper or Bellatrix. From the doorway the hallway split in two directions. Ron and Hermione both went to the left and Harry decided to take the right one.

Harry entered a dinning room that was painted completely black with a long table and chairs that were made of a dark wood. Light came in from the creases in the windows covered by black curtains and the candles on the chandler so Harry could still see fairly well. On the floor he saw what was probably the housekeeper; an old, ugly lady that somehow seemed fitted to this house. She was out cold from the shock of the explosion, but Harry didn't pay much attention to her once he heard the blasting from another room. He quickly moved into the next room, a study, and could see the battle well. Ron and Hermione had backed Bellatrix into another dining area. She was blasting curses but at a slower speed then Ron's bullets and Hermione's counter curses.

Harry decided he would end this now. He ran up towards her undetected due to all the noise from the fight and once he was right beside her, he unsheathed the Hattori Hanzo blade. The metal sound instantly alerted her but just as she was turning around, Harry stabbed her in the stomach. The pain made her instantly drop her wand. She didn't wail or scream from the pain though, all she did was laugh.

"I like the pain!" she shouted out. "Who should I thank for this?"

She was mocking him, but Harry wasn't about to let her get the last word. He threw off the invisibility cloak.

"Remember me!" He shouted. She sharpened her glare on him and was about to speak when he pushed the sword further into her body. "I know you remember me! You killed him! You! This is for SIRIUS!" He twisted the sword and then pulled it out letting her intestines fall to the floor. She still stood there and began laughing again but then started coughing and fell to the floor. Blood poured from her wounds into the carpet.

"That… fuckin' traitor… he… deserved…"she said between laughter and coughing. Harry wasn't about to let her finish and with one blade stroke, cut off her head.

Ron and Hermione rushed to Harry and observed the scene but kept all comments to themselves. Harry grabbed a curtain and wiped the blood off his sword. He saw the housekeeper looking in from the study and before he could do anything she ran away. Harry started running after her.

"Ron! Hermione! We've got to get her!" he yelled at them.

When he reached the door it was already to late, she was gone.

"Damn, she must be a witch" Ron said. "She's probably telling them what happened by now."

"Damn it," Harry cursed.

"Well we knew it was bound to happen," Hermione said looking at nothing in particular. "What are we going to do with the bodies?"

"They don't deserve a proper burial, but I do have an idea." Harry said. "First let's see if we can find anything of value.

The three searched the house and found a few letters of value. Most of her furniture was cursed though and it was beyond their ability to deal with such items. Once they were done they stood outside the house.

"Are you ready?" Harry asked. Ron and Hermione nodded. They stood in a line and together cast the fire spell in unison. A huge beam of fire engulfed the house. The fiery inferno burned down the house in a matter of minutes and nothing but ash remained of the house. The fence in the back also burned down to nothing. Once this was over the fire immediately went out. Harry took out his kill list and crossed off the first name with a thick red permanent marker. Harry felt satisfied knowing she could no longer cause harm to anyone and then they all appariated from the scene.

It's over… so what did you think?

Soon to come: Chapter 4 with Moony! See ya then!


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